usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Dear E-Diary

Today my mother shouted at me that I was destroying her life and her family and that I had brought everything going on down upon myself and I had no right to complain or accuse. This was after I in on way complained or accused, but rather explained for the third or fourth time that I didn't think it was possible for me to take extra classes because I needed to have time to work to support myself.

Then she cried about how much pain she was in all the time and passive aggressively suggested that I didn't love her. And then I was expected to comfort her, which I can't. There is nothing I can say that won't end in a fight or her shouting at me. So I simply patted her arm and said nothing, hence re-enforcing her notion that I am a heartless, emotionless dick who doesn't give a shit about her.

Too worn out to be anything but tired and resigned.

Ugh

Jul. 16th, 2010 04:42 pm
usullusa: (Avatar: Sokka WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?)
Phone conversation with my mother:

Her: Somebody saw the picture of you I carry and said you look like a queen.
Me: Ah. Cool.
Her: ... It was a guy, actually.
Really? Really? Can you possibly be any more passive aggressive?

*later*

Her: May I ask what you are wearing?
Me: no jeans and a tshirt...
Her: Yes but are you dressed like a woman or... somebody who has no sex?
Me: ... I'm wearings jeans. And a tshirt.
Her: Yes but you have lots of clothes. You have women's clothes and you have... other clothes.
Me: I AM WEARING JEANS AND A TSHIRT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU WANT FROM ME


I am so angry and upset and stressed out about everything. I went to sleep at dawn on the couch after crying in the dark for an hour. And slept through a phone call from the GAP about my store credit card and I can't call them back because I don't have my account number.

If somebody wants to cheer me up about now, it would be much appreciated.

Randoms

May. 28th, 2010 11:47 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

  • I came home to this and it made my entire day. I was just out talking to people about how DADT is being voted on in the House of Representatives right now and lo and behold, it passed! Still a ways to go though...

  • "Teen Werewolves". I am annoyed by the lengths the report went to other and sensationalize this. Anyway, the reason I'm linking to it because I was struck by how the young people talking about themselves sound so much like what the queer community has been saying for years. We are not trying to be intimidating. We are not harmful. We just want to live our lives.

  • My job is so exhausting and stressful. Ugh. Today Greenpeace turfed me and then we had to deal with cops because a lady was crazy. The things I do for money...

  • Sillies: Pokemon: Gotta Buy 'Em All

  • My family is still making me sadface. And by sadface I mean systematically making me feel like I am making up my sexual orientation and gender identity because I have issues embracing my "true" feminine identity and am making everybody miserable because I can't get it together and be normal.

Randoms!

May. 20th, 2010 12:28 am
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

  • [livejournal.com profile] rm on why warning for slash is not okay.

  • So you want to be an ally?

  • I know it's not funny to make fun of Tony's alcoholism but BAAWWW SO CUTE.

  • I officially have a job. I fundraise for Grassroots Campaigns.

  • Holy shit holy shit I am halfway through The Demon' Covenant (which just hit the shelves today, by the way) by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] sarahtales and I have SO MANY SHIPS. Oh god. (Please ignore the terrible cover. The cover makes me sad)

  • I SAW VIENNA TENG LIVE IN CONCERT THE OTHER DAY AHSDLJAHSDKJA
    If you haven't heard of her, go listen to her music now. Also the opening act was a musician I had never heard of before, Paul Freeman, but of whom I now heartily approve. Worth checking out.

  • My father just emailed me five minutes ago with yet another preachy speech. Jesus christ, he keeps trying to justify his intolerance via biology and culture and it makes me ill. When it doesn't utterly kill me. He said people will accept anything as equals, even spiders and worms, but never gay people. Which really means, I am less to him than an insect.
    I wish I didn't love my parents so much. I wish my dad hadn't been my hero all my life.

RAEG

May. 13th, 2010 05:37 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Okay, I swear book reviews are coming up soon (I need to finish The Pinhoe Egg), but humor me.

I HATE MY MOTHER SO MUCH RIGHT NOW JESUS CHRIST.
It has been nothing but backhanded passive aggressive comments from her. I UNPACKED MY SUITCASE AND FOUND SHE HAD SNUCK A RAZOR INSIDE WITH A NOTE ABOUT HOW SHE LOVED ME AND HOPED I WOULD "COME BACK". AHSDJHALSDJA
Which explains why, as I was walking out the door, she said to me "by the way you look much better in Victoria's Secret". BECAUSE SHE WENT THROUGH MY SHIT. AND JUST. WHAT. It's none of your fucking business what I wear or don't wear or how or why or ANYTHING ELSE. ARGH.
The whole weekend was like that. I made the fucking mistake of stumbling into the bathroom still in my underwear and ended up catching an earful for not shaving my legs. Oh yes and my hair is wrong. (It was fine for years but now it's not for mysterious reasons that involve her being BATSHIT CRAZY) Oh yes and my skin, which is totally my fault and not because I have been stressed as all fuck GEE I WONDER WHY.

The razor was the last straw. I want to punch her forever.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Somewhere out there, GLBTQ individuals are being attacked and killed for being queer. Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my mom while she cried and begged me to "stop" [being gay]. Then I got off the phone and cried because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my parents for good.

Tonight the world is terrifying. I feel so tiny and so alone and I want nothing more than to feel my mother's reassurance, but I'm afraid I will never feel that again in my life. I want somebody to tell me that my parents will want me no matter what. I want somebody to tell me I won't spend my entire life looking over my shoulder.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I WANT TO STAB MY PARENTS IN THE FACE.

WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED FUCKS TELL THEIR KID THAT THEY WILL NEVER, UNDER ANY TERMS, ACCEPT THEM. EVER.

BY THE WAY I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM MY FATHER CITING FREUD, FREUD AS PART OF HIS RANT. I HAVE DEEP PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS WHICH I MUST ENDEAVOR TO FIX. HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIGN OF DEEP ISSUES AND HE IS SURPRISED THAT AS SOMEBODY INTERESTED IN ANTHROPOLOGY I HAVE NOT UNDERSTOOD THE EVIL DEVIANT ROOTS OF HOMOSEXUALITY.

ALSO ONLY REAL MEN AND REAL WOMEN CAN HAVE REAL SEX.

ALSO FUCK THEM.

FOREVER.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY IN MY LIFE.

Randoms

Feb. 11th, 2010 05:36 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

  • There's a really kickin' article on fairy tales that I stumbled across via [livejournal.com profile] bodlon.
    I came to college intending to focus on fairy tales and that hasn't really been the case. This makes me want to get back to that because it's what I love and it's so fascinating.

  • I've seen this post on drop-down menus for gender and how to make them better linked to a lot lately. Some good ideas, some not so much; either way it's an interesting read. The degree to which I find this problem of gender drop-down menus (or radio buttons, or whatever) unavoidable and completely infuriating is overwhelming.

  • I don't know if this is supposed to be Sherlock Holmes fandom or Supernatural fandom but it is HILARIOUS.

  • If you're around Brighton, MA, Holly Black, Kelly Link, and Cassandra Clare are doing a panel to raise money for the Fransican Hospital for Children. It's also the only promotional appearance Holly Black is making for The Poison Eaters which is out this month.

  • I've discovered that I REALLY like Bigelow Earl Grey. More than Twinings Earl Grey which is what I've been drinking for years. Mmm tea...

  • Things my parents were unhappy about last night: my ear piercings, the fact that I happened to only wear earrings in one ear that day, the fact that I didn't write my dad a story on demand (I write either gay things or really dark things, neither of which tendencies I feel like discussing with my family), that I'm going to see my "internet friends", that I'm not going to be home for my birthday, that I wasn't dressed warmly enough. Also, my dad has decided that my ears are pointy. Like an elf. And that this is a fault. I don't make this shit up you guys.

    P.S. My ears aren't pointy.

At a loss

Jan. 10th, 2010 02:05 am
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Situation with grandparents is considerably worse than I thought. I don't really know what to say. I honestly don't know who is suffering more, my grandparents or my mother.

Life Update

Jan. 8th, 2010 07:18 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Things have been strange for the past few days. On Wednesday my grandmother accidentally set her robe on fire and in the process both she and my grandfather were badly burned. My grandmother has third degree burns all over her arm (edit: and a significant portion of her torso as it turns out) and my grandfather on his leg. They're in the hospital undergoing multiple surgeries and will likely remain hospitalized for several weeks. They're thankfully stable at this point.
My mother is taking it very hard. I haven't seen her in a couple days as she spends all day at the hospital. Neither of my grandparents speak English and my grandmother has severe memory loss so my mother has to be present for all their interactions with the hospital staff and to make decisions.
So that's what's been going on. That's all for now.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Yay I got my haircut!
Photo under the cut )

Angry Rant

Jul. 20th, 2009 10:03 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Goddamnit. I am pissed. Off.

I just spent all of last night feeling guilty and sad that my mother is as stressed and busy as she is. Then when I go out of my way to do a whole bunch of things around the house while she's at work today, she comes home and calls me lazy for, wait for it, not baking muffins. SHE DOESN'T EVEN EAT MOTHER FUCKING MUFFINS. And then she barrels into my room to blow my eardrums out for not clearing the table after my aunt left. JUST FUCKING ASK ME TO DO IT AND I WOULD BE GLAD TO. I DO NOT READ MINDS.

Jesus Christ.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Overheard in Woodbridge:

Mother [to father]: You have such a fascist haircut.

I Miss You

Jan. 7th, 2009 11:41 am
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I have spent the past several days in a state of more-or-less constant misery. Normally I can go a long time without thinking about it, but it's hit me particularly hard this time that my twin is dead.
I visited her grave for the first time last summer, and I had hoped it would give me some kind of closure when instead it just opened the door for another, stronger wave of grief. I wrote her a letter the other night to get my thoughts and feelings off my chest, hoping it might lessen my emotions, but it didn't seem to work. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her for days and I cry several times a day.
I don't think I can possibly begin to explain the extent of what I lost the day she died. And it makes me so angry because she shouldn't have died.
I have no idea what to do or how to get out of this downward spiral of grief. I'm not even sure I want to on some level...


I'm going to my high school reunion tomorrow, and I've been really looking forward to going back because I love that place. Hopefully it will get me out of this rut. And I'm seeing all of my friends tonight. Still, I was with my friends yesterday and it didn't help one bit. So who knows. I guess we'll see.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
MY MOM JUST TRIED TO TELL ME THAT IT IS MY INHERENT RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED THE MEN OF THE FAMILY WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN.
SHDLFJSDFDSFS
RAGE
RAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS


Not because there is a family agreement, like the wife makes the food and the husband cleans up afterwards. No, just "SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME THE WOMAN HAS TENDED THE FIRE AND THE MAN HAS GONE OUT TO HUNT" YES SHE ACTUALLY PULLED THAT ON ME. AND THEN SHE TOLD ME I WOULD NEVER HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP UNLESS I BENT TO A MAN'S WILL. SDHLFJSDNHFSDFHDFKJDS

I. Can't. Speak. Coherently.

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usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
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