Sep. 7th, 2010 01:59 am
usullusa: (Other: Pride)
Dear everybody who reads this ever,

The following is a public service announcement:

I am not a girl. I am not a lesbian. I identify as queer, I accept gay, and my gender is "please don't ever call me female and the rest is too painful to talk about so don't try". The next person that I've already talked to about this and ignores it I am going to snap at and punch, and I'm not even the punching kind. Seriously, the gender part of my life is frustrating and demoralizing enough without your help.

If it wasn't for my family, I would have probably transitioned a while ago. As it is, I'm not even asking anybody to use male pronouns for me. I'm just asking not to get gendered as female. I know it's annoying and hard to avoid pronouns altogether because I've expressed my dislike for gender-neutral pronouns (for myself) and for "they". I am not going to deck you if you can't get your sentence to work without some pronoun, but make an effort. But for God's sake I am not a lady/lesbian/queen/aunt/any number of things I've been called recently. Just go for the male versions. Please.

This was a really hard entry for me to write. I hate having this conversation. So just. I don't want to have to write about this again.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I was out at a restaurant with a bunch of my new friends here in California and I was suddenly struck by how awesome they all are. We literally made a list of queer movies to watch next weekend and then proceeded to come up with a "Gay Agenda" for the lulz.
I love that we sit around in the living room, watching a show, and point out when there is gay subtext. Just. I can talk about queer stuff and not feel like I am a Character. I am not trying to imply that any of my wonderful, amazing friends back home are homophobic, or offensive, or in any way not supportive. I love all of them profoundly and they are family to me. I've just never had a group of friends where I felt that I didn't have to tone down the rampant queerness of my conversations. Again, this is not because anybody in particular is intolerant. It's that it made me the eccentric one, or The One Who Always Talks About Gay. It was a quirk.

It feels really awesome not being eccentric anymore. Not that I don't freely admit that I am eccentric as hell. But I don't want to be eccentric about this.

Please don't comment defending yourself. I am not accusing anybody of anything. It's just a difference in interests and perspectives.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Somewhere out there, GLBTQ individuals are being attacked and killed for being queer. Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my mom while she cried and begged me to "stop" [being gay]. Then I got off the phone and cried because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my parents for good.

Tonight the world is terrifying. I feel so tiny and so alone and I want nothing more than to feel my mother's reassurance, but I'm afraid I will never feel that again in my life. I want somebody to tell me that my parents will want me no matter what. I want somebody to tell me I won't spend my entire life looking over my shoulder.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)







Too much

Apr. 19th, 2010 06:46 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I was going to blog about LJ's most recent trans fail. But then I spent a while being subjected to my roommates' phone conversation in which she called things "retarded" and made homophobic comments. And I've thinking all day about how my parents have kindly informed me that either I "change" my sexuality or they're through with me. And all I can say is that the world is full of so much fail it's overwhelming.

By the way [ profile] sparkindarkness does a way better job of explaining LJ's bullshit and why it's not okay than I ever could anyway.

Oh god

Apr. 10th, 2010 09:37 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Dear Diary

Today I came out to my mom as queer. This was not by any means part of the plan until a few days ago.

Upsides: I have not been disowned. My parents are still helping me pay for college. My mom did, after a while, tell me she still loved me.

Downsides: Public spectacle. Mother claimed she hoped she dropped dead. I am, apparently, confused and simply have not found the right man. She insulted me, insulted the person I'm dating, and disregarded my identity six ways from Sunday.

It could have been worse.

I am going to now eat copious amounts of chocolate and watch RDJ movies.

Possibly more on this later when I am less of an emotional wreck.


Feb. 11th, 2010 05:36 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

  • There's a really kickin' article on fairy tales that I stumbled across via [ profile] bodlon.
    I came to college intending to focus on fairy tales and that hasn't really been the case. This makes me want to get back to that because it's what I love and it's so fascinating.

  • I've seen this post on drop-down menus for gender and how to make them better linked to a lot lately. Some good ideas, some not so much; either way it's an interesting read. The degree to which I find this problem of gender drop-down menus (or radio buttons, or whatever) unavoidable and completely infuriating is overwhelming.

  • I don't know if this is supposed to be Sherlock Holmes fandom or Supernatural fandom but it is HILARIOUS.

  • If you're around Brighton, MA, Holly Black, Kelly Link, and Cassandra Clare are doing a panel to raise money for the Fransican Hospital for Children. It's also the only promotional appearance Holly Black is making for The Poison Eaters which is out this month.

  • I've discovered that I REALLY like Bigelow Earl Grey. More than Twinings Earl Grey which is what I've been drinking for years. Mmm tea...

  • Things my parents were unhappy about last night: my ear piercings, the fact that I happened to only wear earrings in one ear that day, the fact that I didn't write my dad a story on demand (I write either gay things or really dark things, neither of which tendencies I feel like discussing with my family), that I'm going to see my "internet friends", that I'm not going to be home for my birthday, that I wasn't dressed warmly enough. Also, my dad has decided that my ears are pointy. Like an elf. And that this is a fault. I don't make this shit up you guys.

    P.S. My ears aren't pointy.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
An old friend re-connected with me on facebook tonight. Upon checking out my relationship status one of the first things he said to me was:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! you have a boyfriend!!!
i knew u werent a lez
alex owes me 10$

What? The number of ways in which that is NOT OKAY is overwhelming. That was only the beginning of what he said too. I'm not quoting it here because it makes me too angry and it insults the person I'm dating too.

Normally when people say shit like this to me I just smile tightly and let it go because I've been conditioned to avoid confrontations. I think probably for the first time in my life I actually called somebody on this shit and didn't end up telling them it was okay when they apologized. Your apology does NOT make it okay. You didn't mean to hurt me, but you fucking did and you don't get off the hook that easily. Go home and think about how you goddamn talk to people and don't do it again.

To top it off after he apologized he tried to ask me questions about my queerness. Uh, NO? First you insult me and then you want the intimate details of my life?

Christ. "YAAAAAY i knew u werent a lez"? Wow my apparent straightness sure does fucking make you happy, doesn't it?


Jan. 13th, 2010 09:24 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

  • There's live coverage of the court battle against Prop 8. Updates throughout the day as far as I understand. The court has adjourned for today. Stay tuned for tomorrow.

  • A lot of people have been trying to get me to read the webcomic No Rest for the Wicked for a while. I finally got around to it the other day. If you like fairy tales, or retelling fairy tales, or just messing with childhood stories until they are creepy and strange I think you'll enjoy it.

  • A few days ago I had a fight in my snow-filled driveway with [ profile] sythia over who got to ride shotgun. After several minutes of shouting, at least two attempts to climb through the window, and being nearly crushed by my best friend flinging her weight against me, she won. Even though I had called shotgun. We spent the entire car ride arguing over who had rightful claim to the front seat. After a while, Liz, our poor suffering driver informed us that we deserve each other. Truer words have never been spoken.

  • I'm back in New York. Everything looks good. My new roommate seems quite nice. She's read the A Great and Terrible Beauty books by Libba Bray, which I thought was pretty cool.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Every time I hear this I am brought to the edge of tears.

"I wanna grow into something none of us has ever seen before, and gender is just one of the ways we’re boxed in and labeled, before we’re ever able to speak who we dream we are, who we believe we’ll become, like drumbeats ever changing their rhythm. I am living today as someone I had not yet become yesterday, and tonight I will borrow only pieces of who I was today to carry with me to tomorrow.

No, I’m not gay. No, I’m not straight, and I’m sure as hell not bisexual, damn it! I am whatever I am when I am it, loving whoever you are when the stars shine and whoever you’ll be when the sun rises." - Andrea Gibson
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I didn't post about LJ's gender!fail last night mostly because I was hit by a coordinated attack of those posts from all sides and I was pretty sure between them everybody on my flist was already covered.

I did send them a polite protest though and got roughly the same kind of response as everybody else. They say it was a mistake that was never meant to go live. The changes were not official yet, so on and so forth. I would like to believe them but I suspect they are merely doing a whole lot of backpedaling right now. Whatever the reason, I'm ridiculously glad that LJ won't be going through with it.

I never cease to be amazed at how vocal and determined fandom is. (I would hazard that most of the protests came from fandom, just because of demographics) It's pretty damn awesome.

So good job everybody. I'm proud of you. :D And thank you.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Yay I got my haircut!
Photo under the cut )
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Randoms thoughts of the day-

  • Today when I got on the train there was a woman obstructing more than half the door, making it awkward to get through (and only in single file). She continued to lean against the door the entire trip and would not move even when the train stopped. Even when we pulled up to big stops and 20+ people were rushing to get in/out she still didn't move. I was extremely vexed.
    Jesus people. Please learn to be courteous on public transportation. Or just, you know, in general. Why do people think the world revolves around them?
  • I walked 50+ blocks in one go today! That on top of the usual daily errands and the long walk I took with Nancy probably comes out to just a little less than a 100 blocks! Holy shit my feet hurt.
  • Tomorrow my teacher is having a professional come and teach us the dances that were popular in the court of Louis XIV. I think this is really super awesome and I would LOVE to go, but he said that woman should wear long skirts and heels and men should wear nice pants and jackets. The problem? 1. I don't even have a long skirt here with me 2. I have no desire to wear a skirt anyway 3. I don't own dressy men's clothing
    I would've asked a friend if I could borrow some clothes from them, but I don't know any small guys here in New York. Maybe I'll think of something by tomorrow...
  • Is anybody else already seeing people in costume? Wtf people. Halloween is on Saturday.
  • I found At the Bottom of the Garden by Diane Purkiss at the Strand today! So excited! I can't wait to read it! Sometimes The Strand pisses me off, but my best book finds are usually in some dusty corner of that store. I also found The Two Princesses of Bamarre, which I loved as a little kid, at some random little used bookstore the other day. I guess it's a good week for books.
    (Ask me about my first encounter with the Strand sometime and you'll hear a funny story. And by funny I mean one that makes me look stupid. Same thing, right? XD )
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

Many thanks to [ profile] xturncoatxiii for directing me to this. It kind of blows me away. The two performers give an amazing delivery too.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Saw Peter Seller's Othello the other day. It was... not that spectacular, but I had already heard that so I came in expecting the worst and hence was not disappointed. There was just nothing good about it. I didn't hate it. I just didn't care about what I was watching. It was being advertised as Othello for a post-Obama world, whatever that meant, but I have no idea how exactly they addressed that in the play itself. The casting choices? Most of the actors were black, except for Desdemona, Iago, and Roderigo. Othello was Latino. Maybe the point was to remove race from the equation?

They also combined Bianca and Montano (the governor) and quite possibly somebody else too into one character. It was all extremely confusing. And then in a scene that made me deeply uncomfortable Cassius tries to rape Bianca/Montano/whoever. Normally Cassius just gets into a brawl, but for whatever reason peter Seller felt the need to turn it into rape. It was not addressed afterward at all and I wonder what exactly Seller intended to achieve through that deeply unsettling scene. And it made it even more strange and uncomfortable that then Bianca was Cassius' lover and in other parts his comrade and I don't even know.

Yea so not really a fan. Also, not a fan of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Iago. He did steal the show though and Othello (John Ortiz) just could not keep up.

In other news I'm feeling better about myself today. This changes on a daily basis, so maybe tomorrow I will be back to crippling unhappiness, but for now I am feeling good. Basically, whenever I can force my mind out of all the boxes I feel good. The moment I start trying to find a label that fits most closely for me to conform to I start feeling like everything sucks forever.

Today is homework day. YEA HOMEWORK. Not. If I'm good and get everything done I'm reading (Re)Cycler by Lauren McLaughlin. I didn't love the first book, but it was good enough for me to keep reading. Mostly I'm interested in how McLaughlin is going to handle the story now that Jack is allowed to have a life.

If you're interested, it's about a girl who turns into a dude for 3-4 days a month. The boy part of her develops his own personality and identity and for the most part the book is about Jill trying to suppress her boy half with mixed results. There's nothing glaringly wrong with it, but I think that McLaughlin could have done way more with the topic. That's all.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
This morning I was witness to the following:
(note italics indicate Russian)

Teacher: So if it's not a masculine noun and it's not a feminine noun it's a....
Kat: Nuet-
Teacher: Yes, neuter. (Note: direct translation from Russian is "the third middle gender")


Teacher: So how do you know what gender "building" is?
Kat: Because it's my[neuter] building.
Teacher: Good. So it's...?
Girl: Transgender!

Okay fine, that last bit didn't really happen, but I wish it had. All I did was turn around and look at her incredulously.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Stealing meme from [ profile] xturncoatxiii cuse it looks like fun.

Post one-to-two sentences of every unfinished piece of writing you have, fic or non; maybe it will motivate you to finish.

He looks dead when they bring him in. [Katekyo Hitman Reborn]

On the final day of celebration of the old year passing, the new king was chosen. I didn’t go to the ceremony. [original]

It was midday when Rowan’s world went to hell. [original]

Tam stood up from his plastic seat. The nurse looked up from her clipboard, frowned, and checked it again. [original]

Edit: Posting this particular snippet made me really uncomfortable and I couldn't get that feeling to stop nagging me as I went on to do other things this evening. I decided to stop and think about why. )

“Dawn, if I ask you a question, can you just give me a straight answer?”
Dawn opened one eye and peered up from where his head rested in Gabriel’s lap. “Well that depends on the question, doesn’t it?” [original]

Some others not worth mentioning because they're so old. Should delete those. That is all.

I went to a talk at my college. )
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Like any true spoiled college students, my suite mates and I have ordered Insomnia Cookies. Topped with delicious things like Snickers and peanut butter and oh god. It will be delicious, and then even more delicious, and then it will be vile. Then we will spend the next few hours bouncing off the walls.

I am so psyched.

P.S. )


usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

April 2011


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