usullusa: (Disney: Lottie glee)

  • I am on the bus back from Boston, where I was visiting [personal profile] iambickilometer and further reinforcing that we are bros. I love Boston. I knew I loved Boston even though I hadn't been back there since my brother graduated from MIT when I was still in diapers. Arlington Park is beautiful and I love all of the adorable little cafes and restaurants and everybody is SO FRIENDLY.

  • I am gainfully employed. Times two. I have a job at the NYU library and a job with a licensing agency. (The contract says "independent consultant". I feel like Neal.) So that's exciting and takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Only to add the weight of two jobs.

  • I am still not done sorting stuff with the literary agency, but I expect as soon as I send them my review of a couple of manuscripts they asked me to read they will likely take me on. That's right, folks, I am going to attempt to take 16 credits worth of classes, work two part-time jobs and a part-time internship. Wish me luck.

  • Next week [personal profile] onlybythenight is arriving. Also it is [livejournal.com profile] sythia's birthday the following Monday so we're having her party that weekend.

  • We have a cat! I have not yet seen the cat. The cat is being dropped off at the flat as I write this. I am excite! Well, rather, the cat belongs to a friend and we are looking after him for her for the school year.

  • The bar/wire glued to the back of my teeth because my orthodontist didn't trust me with a removable retainer several years back has finally utterly and completely broken off. It snapped in half and I ended up pulling it out because it was going to scratch up my mouth. So now I have a lot of abrasive rock-hard glue residue stuck to the backs of my upper teeth and it is no fun at all. I have no idea when I can get back to CT to see my orthodontist and I worry that if I don't do it soon my teeth will start to move and then two rounds of braces and 3+ years of having this thing in my mouth will have been for naught.

  • CAN WE TALK ABOUT CHILDREN'S CRUSADE NOW? spoilers )

  • Writing/reading on a moving bus is making me car sick, so over and out.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Dear E-Diary

Today my mother shouted at me that I was destroying her life and her family and that I had brought everything going on down upon myself and I had no right to complain or accuse. This was after I in on way complained or accused, but rather explained for the third or fourth time that I didn't think it was possible for me to take extra classes because I needed to have time to work to support myself.

Then she cried about how much pain she was in all the time and passive aggressively suggested that I didn't love her. And then I was expected to comfort her, which I can't. There is nothing I can say that won't end in a fight or her shouting at me. So I simply patted her arm and said nothing, hence re-enforcing her notion that I am a heartless, emotionless dick who doesn't give a shit about her.

Too worn out to be anything but tired and resigned.
usullusa: Tony Stark (Marvel: Tony Uh actually...)

  • Upside: I am at my parents' house. Downside: I am my parents' house. My dad replaced my old 50-year old windows in my room while I was gone. Good sign? Also we had a perfectly normal, if maybe a bit tense because of the elephant in the room, evening. Went out to dinner with my mother before all that and she did her usual crying and gender policing. She keeps on asking me if I've ever fucked a guy penis. Um, one, that's personal two, I know why you're asking and I'm not going to help you out here.

  • A random middle-aged woman approached me and my mother in the parking lot. She asked us in broken English to take her home. We couldn't figure out most of what she was saying and she had to show us her ID before we understood where she lived. So we took her home and that's actually why I'm at my parents' house now instead of at [personal profile] sythia's. It was too late and my mom was too tired to drive me.

  • I'm in a dream motherfucker over at [personal profile] inception_kink

  • Sometimes I wish I knew an adult that was glbtq well enough to talk to about life. Just so I knew somebody who was wiser and understood.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Things I need to deal with / that are problems for me right now:

A whole lot )

Things I actually dealt with today:
Less stuff than I wish )

Thank You

Jul. 22nd, 2010 04:51 am
usullusa: (Doctor Who: Eleven looking at Amy)
Thank you to everybody who has responded. Every last comment I've gotten has brightened what have otherwise been a bleak few days. I never expected such an outpouring from people. When I first saw my inbox and browsed through the responses I was so grateful I cried.

I have been actively applying to job after job lately and have picked up a couple of one-time gigs in the meantime. I'll feel a lot better once I've secured a job, but I am less panicked and hopeless now than I was a few days ago.

Thank you especially for everybody's emotional support. I don't talk about it a lot or I downplay it, but I've been in a really bad place for the last few months. Not only is my financial situation difficult and am I taking my family's rejection really hard, but my parents' pain, regardless of whether they are right or wrong, is devastating. It's the kindness of people like you that keeps me going in spite of everything.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I hate to do this, but I am putting out the call:

As some of you already know a few months ago I came out to my parents. They told me I was not welcome under their roof while I was queer. Since then they have withdrawn a large chunk of their financial support. The last few months have been the hardest of my life. My parents, even when they messed up, where my mentors, confidants, and the only people I could rely on while I was starting out in life. I won't regale you with the details, but it's been horrible. And now I am going back to college while I still can (it is a long story, but right now is my best and last chance to finish my degree without incurring tens of thousands of dollars in loans) and I have to somehow support myself while attending school full-time.

But I'm trying to make some sort of order out of the chaos. At some point within the next month I am moving into an apartment in New York so I can finish my education. The problem is that I need to be able to pay my rent for the first month and I can't find a long-term job yet because I'm moving and because I don't own a car or drive in Connecticut, where that is essential.

I don't know what I can do right now to make some money. This is why I'm asking you, internet, for help. I need some sort of temp job. My resources are so limited. I can basically work from home on something, anything, or I can take odd jobs from people in New York, once I've moved, until I find a permanent job.

If you live anywhere in NYC and need something done, please think of me. Do you need your storage room cleaned? Shelves, closets or cupboards organized? I am aces at cleaning and organizing storage spaces. Do you work at an office where you have a backlog of filing, data entry, or general office work and could use a temp? I have several summers worth of experience doing just that.

Or, do you have any kind of online data entry you need done? Do you need somebody to gather information on something? Do you need cataloging of any kind?

Even ideas for what I can do are wonderful. Anything, any help you can think of, is already more than I have right now.

And, you know, if you spontaneously know of a part-time job that would work with a three-day or evening schedule, please let me know.

If you're on the edge, this will make the difference between my having a place to live or my having to drop out of school and live off the charity of friends until I can find some way out of this situation, or worse having to closet myself again and live under the toxic influence of my parents. I am completely terrified of not being able to make ends meet and ending up without a home or having to crawl back to my parents and promise to "be straight".
I know I can build a new life for myself, but I need some help getting up on my own two feet.

Please, ask your friends, ask your family, ask the people on your f-list. At worst, they'll say no. At best, you'll have helped somebody more than I have words to describe.
Please don't let this entry drop off into the void.

It begins

Jul. 12th, 2010 02:02 am
usullusa: (Doctor Who: Welcome!)
Mostly packed. [personal profile] onlybythenight, [personal profile] iambickilometer, and I are going to San Fransisco tomorrow for a day of magic and adventure, then airport in the evening.

EAST COAST FRIENDS, I EXPECT TO SEE YOU AT ONCE.

Btw, does anybody have a spare bed they want to let me use long-term? I don't mean a place to stay. Like. Actually a bed. I'm moving into an apartment and I can't afford furniture. Oops.

ohgodohgod please let me survive the next month
usullusa: (Doctor Who: Who da man?)

  • Despite the fact that I am in Cali-fucking-fornia I am ALWAYS COLD. I don't think it was that cold today. Maybe in the mid to low 70s this evening. But my fingers were stiff enough from the cold that it made texting difficult. I am cold right now. My toes don't exist anymore. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

  • [personal profile] onlybythenight is coming back tomorrow. Then we will have two tragic days to enjoy each other's company until I fly to New York.

  • Conversation of the day:
    [personal profile] iambickilometer: What should we do?
    Me: I dunno, what should we do?
    [personal profile] iambickilometer: Has it been more than an hour? Can we go back on our computers?

usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I've gotten a lot of complaints that people don't know enough about my life since I moved out to California for the summer. So I give you, last weekend in summary.

Cut for tl;dr )
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I was out at a restaurant with a bunch of my new friends here in California and I was suddenly struck by how awesome they all are. We literally made a list of queer movies to watch next weekend and then proceeded to come up with a "Gay Agenda" for the lulz.
I love that we sit around in the living room, watching a show, and point out when there is gay subtext. Just. I can talk about queer stuff and not feel like I am a Character. I am not trying to imply that any of my wonderful, amazing friends back home are homophobic, or offensive, or in any way not supportive. I love all of them profoundly and they are family to me. I've just never had a group of friends where I felt that I didn't have to tone down the rampant queerness of my conversations. Again, this is not because anybody in particular is intolerant. It's that it made me the eccentric one, or The One Who Always Talks About Gay. It was a quirk.

It feels really awesome not being eccentric anymore. Not that I don't freely admit that I am eccentric as hell. But I don't want to be eccentric about this.


Please don't comment defending yourself. I am not accusing anybody of anything. It's just a difference in interests and perspectives.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Today is my last day in New York for the next few months. My father is arriving in a few hours to cart all my stuff back to Connecticut. I am nervous as hell. But it'll be over in a few days regardless of the outcome.

I am still not sure logistically what I am going to do. I can either go back in the car with my dad. Or I can catch the train to avoid being trapped in an enclosed space with him for two hours. Or I can take the train tomorrow morning.

I am also not sure how I am getting to the airport. I am not going to ask my parents for a ride to JFK. I'm going to catch the train back to Manhattan and then take the subway. I am just not sure if I am going to do that the morning of my flight or the night before and stay with a friend. It's mostly that I want to give myself a cushion in case my parents try to start shit before I go.

Time will tell I guess. I need to pack now.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Remember when I said that unless I thought of something better I would start sublet hunting in New York?
I thought of something better.
It's official. I am going to Santa Cruz. I have my ticket. I have arranged for a place to stay. I have even told my parents (twice). They are freaking the fuck out.

The long and short of it is that I really miss [livejournal.com profile] xturncoatxiii and there's no reason for me not to see him if I can. I have no obligations keeping me in New York this summer, so hell to the yeah.

Plus I am so ready to be out of here. Every conversation with them my parents leaves me shaken at best and destroyed at worst. I am not sure I can explain what will be different, being a seven hour flight away from them rather than an hour drive, but I feel that it will make a big difference. This is their shit they need to deal with. I can't keep catching all their fallout.


I am, however, spending roughly three days in Connecticut between when I need to move out of my dorm and when I am flying out of JFK. I am really not looking forward to this. I am not looking forward to being repeatedly told that I am killing my parents and their deaths will be on my conscience for the rest of my life. (What a fucking twisted thing to say to your kid. That's fucking emotional terrorism.) I am not looking forward to my grandfather telling me it would have been better if they had burned alive last December. I know I am whining but it really fucking hurts.

But. My flight is booked. In twelve days I am leaving for sunnier skies. And [livejournal.com profile] xturncoatxiii and I are going to see the Iron Man 2 movie five million times together. Shut up, in my world it is the perfect date movie. Oh yeah, and we're going spend time together. That too. ... Did I mentioned about Iron Man 2?
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Somewhere out there, GLBTQ individuals are being attacked and killed for being queer. Tonight I spent an hour on the phone with my mom while she cried and begged me to "stop" [being gay]. Then I got off the phone and cried because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my parents for good.

Tonight the world is terrifying. I feel so tiny and so alone and I want nothing more than to feel my mother's reassurance, but I'm afraid I will never feel that again in my life. I want somebody to tell me that my parents will want me no matter what. I want somebody to tell me I won't spend my entire life looking over my shoulder.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I am calling my dad in the next half hour. To come out to him. Before my mother tells him and makes things a lot worse than they could be.

You guys, I am going to throw up. I am going to throw up everything I have ever eaten in the last twenty years and one month. And then I am going to start heaving up all my organs. And then I will be dead. ahsdlfjskjfdhalkjsfhlskdjfhalsk

oh
my
god

Oh god

Apr. 10th, 2010 09:37 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Dear Diary

Today I came out to my mom as queer. This was not by any means part of the plan until a few days ago.

Upsides: I have not been disowned. My parents are still helping me pay for college. My mom did, after a while, tell me she still loved me.

Downsides: Public spectacle. Mother claimed she hoped she dropped dead. I am, apparently, confused and simply have not found the right man. She insulted me, insulted the person I'm dating, and disregarded my identity six ways from Sunday.

It could have been worse.

I am going to now eat copious amounts of chocolate and watch RDJ movies.

Possibly more on this later when I am less of an emotional wreck.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Packing up at 4am.
Packing is always the same in me-land. Tonight I spent a while running around trying to figure out the correct ratio of boxers to frilly underwear and how many long sleeve shirts to bring and whether or not I should bring a swimming costume and how to get to the A train without taking two other lines first (The L, self. The L. YOU LIVE FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM THE L). I made a list. I lost the list. I made a big pile of stuff on the bed and then stared at it hopelessly, trying not to let Packing Despair win. Kii video chatted with me for a while though, which calmed me down and made me all goofy and happy.
Tomorrow (or is that today?) is going to be completely crazy. I'm going to be crazy in classes, and crazy on the train ride to JFK, and crazy on the plane, and then I will get there and probably I will still be crazy, but I will be the happiest crazy person on Earth.

I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. Not because I need to pack-- I'm almost done with that-- but because I'm going to spend all night staring at the ceiling and smiling.

My roommates left me a surprise bag lunch for the trip which I don't think I was meant to find til morning. I feel so surrounded by people who love me right now.

Now I go to bed. Night ya'll. Next update will be from the other side of the continent.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Hey ya'll

This was a really weird week for me. I missed almost all of my classes. And a major assignment. And got no work done. Ever notice how that last week or two before spring break is always one of the most miserable times of the academic year?
Oh well, I am kicking my ass into gear for next week. I have some papers due. And a project and a midterm. I considered sulking about it, but I realized that a much better way to make it through my last week of classes is to turn it into a competition with life. Every big assignment I finish is another level I've completed before the big bad cut scene at the end. (I guess life has officially become a Final Fantasy game). The big bad cut scene, by the way, is spring break and CALIFORNIA FUCK YEAH. I won't write about how excited I am because I've probably already told you at length. Several times. You probably want to brain me. AND I AM SO OKAY WITH THAT. You could burn all my stuff and hang my cat from the ceiling fan and leave turds in my sheets and I wouldn't care. Because I am going to go see the most wonderful person in the world. In less than a week. asahsdjfasdsafdasfda
ahsdlfjasadfassfa
asjdfasdfa
ssdfas
asdfa
fd
s

Bluh.

Jul. 16th, 2009 07:27 pm
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I am so gloomy and exhausted today. I feel like shit. Every little bad thing that happened today feels like an utter disaster. Everything that's been bugging me is magnified. And I know it's because I'm PMSing. I hate that this is my life every damn month. I hate being depressed and disinterested in everything for no real reason. Bluh.

Somebody leave me something cheerful, or at least commiserate with me.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
I am having dreams left and right about being a trans man. Never just a man. Specifically about being a FtM man. I just spent the last week in the middle of the woods! I didn't think about RP once! I don't mind... it's just starting to get uncanny at this point. What are you trying to tell me subconscious?

Also I read Melissa Marr's Ink Exchange because a friend said it would be better... It was better. But it still sucked. The only interesting character was Niall and he ended up dropping out of the plot all of a sudden and not being explored nearly enough for it to be satisfying. There were a whole lot more background characters with potential this time around, but I get the feeling that they're only interesting as long as Melissa Marr isn't interested in them. Boo.

A quick to-do list before I leave for Greece:

  • Sort out Study Abroad
  • FINISH THE FUCKING MANUSCRIPTS OH MY GOD I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD *dies*
  • Sort out tuition bill
  • Deal with meal plan and health plan (i.e. cancel them)
  • Organize ConnectiCon shit
  • Fuck, study Japanese

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usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
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