usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Well, I can't think of a single reason as to why I am back in CT. I have barely seen my parents except for that first night when we went out to eat to celebrate my mother's birthday. It's dark and cold and empty and lonely in this house. We aren't even eating meals together and there's no food to be had anyway. And my mother and I keep on having little tiffs over stupid things, mostly in which she either criticizes me for being too boyish/not girly enough or tries to micromanage my life. Have I mentioned that it's really cold? And not cozy? And I feel really lonely? Yea.

Also I don't know what it is, but I haven't had a proper meal in at least four days. Either there's nothing to eat or on the rare occasion there is, I can't finish more than a third of my plate. It's really bizarre and sort of worrisome how listless I've become towards food lately. I can't afford to lose weight... my normal body weight is way too close to being unhealthy as it is.

At least my friends are back for break too and I get to see them.

I think I may be PMSing because everything is making me unhappy. Fuck you body. STOP CONTROLLING MY MIND. NOT OKAY. This is one of the things that freaks me out the most about my body.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Am sick, which at this point has become common enough in my life that I'm not even surprised. With school comes illness. Dunno if it's the season or the stress or both or something else entirely.

Feel surprisingly aimless. I'm in one of those moods where I wonder to what purpose am I doing any of this?
Head is swimmy with sickness. Tylenol probably wearing off. Am desirous of a hug, but would be unwise to rub my germs onto others.

I read (Re)Cycler by Lauren McLaughlin. It was okay. Nothing I think everybody should rush out and buy. It ends with a whole lot of unanswered questions and an unsatisfying conclusion.
I guess next I'll see what all the hype is over Kristin Cashore's Graceling. It's been waiting on my shelf for me a while.

Somebody leave me something cheery. Or perhaps some kind of writing challenge or prompt or anything really. Maybe generating something new will get me out of my funk.
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
You know what applying for jobs makes me want to do? Vomit. And that's saying something because I haven't vomited since I was a baby.

So nerve wracking. X_x *toddles off to write more cover letters*

Cut for being random. )
usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)
Today I am 19. There is nothing all that special about the age 19. You only care because it's just one short year away from the twenty. It's kind of like Connecticut like that. CT's only claim to fame is that it is next to New York City.

I don't feel any different today. In fact I keep on forgetting it's my birthday. Maybe because I'm at college and I just tromp to class and am more or less anonymous, then come back to my room and spend the rest of the day in the joyful company of my roommates while we all pretend that the other doesn't exist. It's a sort of gloomy existence to lead.

On the bright side I was awoken by a call from my mother, had class interrupted by my grandparents, then my cousin, and finally my father called me while I was enjoying lunch. It's good to know others are thinking of you, even when they are far away and they're sort of obligated to love you.

I've had better birthdays, but I'm only having a 19th birthday once so I resolve to make the most of it. Maybe I won't do anything exciting, but I'm going to be happy to be alive today. And I'm going to treat myself to reading a good book.

Oh and a high school friend facebook messaged me last night to wish me happy birthday and ask what I was going to different now that I was 19. I thought about it... I'm going to be more adventurous. This year I'm going to go to a big party and cut loose, try a completely new experience, and with any luck fall in love, even if I'll just get my heart broken. It will have been worth it. I've been living my life in the ivory tower for too long. It's time to live.


usullusa: Matt from Deathnote (Default)

April 2011


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