He was a beautiful fiction

I did this probably unwise thing the other day where I put in a different earring into my cartilage piercing and it's slightly thicker than the original and now my ear hurts. I think it needs to heal all over again. The back was a bit puffy but only on one side and I can't tell if it's following the curve of the ring or if it's actually infected. I thought, well if it's taking this badly to it, let me put the old earring back in and let it recover, but getting it off is harder than it looks and all I succeeded in doing was making it BLEED. So I just cleaned it and put Neosporin on it. I hope it clears up.

I'm meeting with my adviser tomorrow (It got snowed out.) about my "Intellectual Autobiography and Plan of Concentration". Basically that means I have to declare my major this semester. But Gallatin doesn't have majors, we have concentrations in literally anything you want. So I have to come up with a topic of study (previous Gallatin concentrations include Evil and Wine Making) that justifies everything I've done and everything I will do at college and then write an explanation/proposal. The good part is that it's not binding. It's just a useful way to get students to sit down and think hard about what they're doing with their classes. The down side is that I have to write this stupid thing!
I need some way to make "stories" sound academic. I write, read, listen to, eat, sleep, and breathe stories. That's really all I've been doing at college. Even my love of history can be explained by the fact that history is just another really interesting story to me.
My previous adviser suggested my concentration have something to do with "the fantastic" which is something to think about since I do tend to gravitate in that direction.
I guess the bottom line is that I don't know. Ahhh!

Also, a question:
How many queer authors can you think off the top of your head?

Upon Nancy's request, I give you my kitchen wall.

( photo! )

This has been such a nerve wracking week. I've been constantly behind on all of my work. I have been writing papers or "responses" nonstop. I've slept for 3-4 hours a night. And I had a conversation with somebody last night in which I made myself emotionally vulnerable in a way I almost never do, which has left me feeling drained and strung out. And now I have the nagging doubt that even though he acted really cool with what I told him I think he may not think of me the same way anymore, which is sad because I like him.
I conduct at least half of my daily interactions via internet, so it feels second-nature to me, but times like these I am reminded of the uncertainty of communicating with people when there is a screen between you. It's hard to judge people's emotions and reactions when you can't hear their voice, see their face, or observe their body language.
I need to be less insecure.

I just had to remove 3 "very"s from the above post. Trying to cut back on words that are a waste of space.

Am sick, which at this point has become common enough in my life that I'm not even surprised. With school comes illness. Dunno if it's the season or the stress or both or something else entirely.

Feel surprisingly aimless. I'm in one of those moods where I wonder to what purpose am I doing any of this?
Head is swimmy with sickness. Tylenol probably wearing off. Am desirous of a hug, but would be unwise to rub my germs onto others.

I read (Re)Cycler by Lauren McLaughlin. It was okay. Nothing I think everybody should rush out and buy. It ends with a whole lot of unanswered questions and an unsatisfying conclusion.
I guess next I'll see what all the hype is over Kristin Cashore's Graceling. It's been waiting on my shelf for me a while.

Somebody leave me something cheery. Or perhaps some kind of writing challenge or prompt or anything really. Maybe generating something new will get me out of my funk.

Am so tired it is beyond words. Stayed up up until stupid o'clock in the morning on the phone with Clara. She was lovely and talked me down from I-don't-know-what. But I needed to have that conversation out loud, so many thanks to Clara. Then slept for two and a half hours and had to get up to do homework. I feel like my schedule leaves me no room for life crises. It's a bit annoying.

So yea, I'm a bit shaky today. I mean, because I barely slept and then couldn't stomach the [very delicious looking] breakfast I made in the morning. I have an unfortunate habit of neither sleeping nor eating when stressed. It usually doesn't help the situation.


I'm consciously trying not to swear in this post. I've been thinking about cussing and what sort of effect that has on the listener and their impression of the speaker. I know I swear every third word, but I'm starting to think that maybe I should make an effort to tone it down. It just doesn't feel classy to me anymore. Am thinking of a specific time that I heard somebody I really respect drop the f-bomb and what a lasting impression that left on me. Do other people have moments like that with me too?
What are your thoughts? Do you swear often? Do you mind that you do? Do you mind that other people do? Or, on the flip side, does it not bother you at all? Do you wish you swore less? More?

How do guys survive without handbags? They are the most useful thing ever. Seriously. Sometimes I'm like, ugh this is the most ridiculously girly thing ever and I don't want to carry it around. BUT THEN I HAVE NOWHERE TO PUT ANYTHING. And I feel twitchy shoving my credit card in my pocket. And my phone. And my keys. And my- you get the idea.

Oh and I made pineapple upside down cake (I kept on calling it pineapple turnover cake) last night with sythia Suddenly our apartment was flooded with people. What an odd coincidence. <_< For the record, it was delicious. I've always liked baking way more than cooking for whatever reason.

Let me tell you a story.

Today I woke up feeling sort of queasy. My breakfast would barely go down. By the time I had made the walk to the class I was downright in pain. By the time I was in my second class I was in AGONY. I was so tense from the pain that my body was shaking. I couldn't even figure out what exactly was hurting. My kidneys? My ovaries? My gut? Fucking everything? My whole midsection was a horrible pileup of pain. Even my chest hurt. When I got up from my desk at the end of class it was so painful I stopped breathing for a moment. So I busted out the prescription my doctor gave me for pain, thinking that my stomach must have just escalated the war it's been waging on me since childhood. Not much to do after that but trudge onwards to my next class.

Then I got home a few hours later and realized: No. It wasn't digestive problems. I just got my period.

What the fuck. How can nature have possibly come up with something so not biologically sound? These are the worst symptoms I've ever had, and if it happens again I'm definitely going straight to a doctor, but I know plenty of people who experience serious pain and discomfort on a monthly basis. It makes NO sense. In the wild any creature that was crippled for a whole day if not more would get picked off so fucking fast. And yet, menstrual cramps. Wtf?

Edit: P.S. METANOIA UPDATED YES LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AGAIN. *glee*

1. Have been watching Supernatural of late. Cuticles beginning to look horrifying from all the worrying I've done over the Winchesters. Maybe I should wear gloves when I watch/read something I've become invested in.

2. My mother has started using the argument "you're going to be 20!" in response to... pretty much everything I do. I do not like this. It makes me feel sort of ridiculous about lying on the living room floor and complaining that I want a sandwich, or hopping from one leg to the other in distress at 4am, begging my dad to kill the spider in my room (I call it the "Oh please daddy please dance"). And don't get me started on the fact that I still don't drive.
Maybe I will feel less illprepared for this frightening number when I move back to the city for school and return to being a relatively independent, mostly responsible adult. Maybe.

I got my wisdom teeth out this morning! I am surprisingly chipper for somebody who has four wounds in their gums. Surprisingly the pain isn't too bad, I don't know if that's really the case or if I have a high pain tolerance. I can talk and smile and eat very small pieces of food. Considering that this is 8 hours post-op, I'm fairly pleased. I haven't tried getting up in a few hours, but the last time I did the entire world started to spin and I had some sort of hotflash and it was all I could do to make it back to bed without falling on my face or stumbling into something. It was probably the anesthetic.

Whatever, but I live. Am very sleepy. Slept all day long. I think the doctor gave me a horse tranquilizer or something because I've never been this out of it after surgery, even when I was given much stronger anesthetic.

In the meantime:
SECRET TUNNEL
SECRET TUNNEL
THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN
SECRET SECRET SECRET SECRET TUNNEL