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Pointless Wanking
Dec. 6th, 2008 03:59 amI- just-
Yesterday and today sucked. I want to be at home in bed. I want my mother to bring me a cup of tea and tell me it's going to be okay. Shutup, okay? Three months ago I still spent at least one evening a week in the kitchen with my head in my mother's lap spilling all my woes out to her. I am eighteen and I miss my mother. So fuck you.
Instead I am surrounded by people I hate, there is nobody in a fifty mile radius who gives a damn that I'm sick as a dog, and everything keeps on conspiring to keep me from doing my work and now I am hopelessly behind and I am going to have a Hysterical Breakdown. And my computer needs to be sent in for repairs. And just- if I think about all of the things that need to get done and how little time there is to do it in, I will just go catatonic. And my mother keeps on reminding me of how we can't afford my college anymore and I need to transfer so I need do exceptionally well on all of my final papers and exams. Because that's helping with the stress and the being sick and the computer being broken and my utter failure at getting work done. I actually spent all day Not Wasting My Time. I went to places like the library, and cafes, and I sat with books and pencils and paper in front of me. And I wrote things. And I thought about stuff. And I still have no work done. I don't know. I just don't know. I can't do this anymore. I've had six years of being miserable and stressed out and on the verge of tears and hysteria.
I am tired.
I am tired of writing pointless papers and studying for tests that have no meaning to me. I am tired of always being exhausted and sick. I am tired of judging my worth by points out of a hundred.
I need a hug.
Yesterday and today sucked. I want to be at home in bed. I want my mother to bring me a cup of tea and tell me it's going to be okay. Shutup, okay? Three months ago I still spent at least one evening a week in the kitchen with my head in my mother's lap spilling all my woes out to her. I am eighteen and I miss my mother. So fuck you.
Instead I am surrounded by people I hate, there is nobody in a fifty mile radius who gives a damn that I'm sick as a dog, and everything keeps on conspiring to keep me from doing my work and now I am hopelessly behind and I am going to have a Hysterical Breakdown. And my computer needs to be sent in for repairs. And just- if I think about all of the things that need to get done and how little time there is to do it in, I will just go catatonic. And my mother keeps on reminding me of how we can't afford my college anymore and I need to transfer so I need do exceptionally well on all of my final papers and exams. Because that's helping with the stress and the being sick and the computer being broken and my utter failure at getting work done. I actually spent all day Not Wasting My Time. I went to places like the library, and cafes, and I sat with books and pencils and paper in front of me. And I wrote things. And I thought about stuff. And I still have no work done. I don't know. I just don't know. I can't do this anymore. I've had six years of being miserable and stressed out and on the verge of tears and hysteria.
I am tired.
I am tired of writing pointless papers and studying for tests that have no meaning to me. I am tired of always being exhausted and sick. I am tired of judging my worth by points out of a hundred.
I need a hug.
